What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive
What Not to Say to a Friend in the Struggle to Conceive
For many, the journey to parenthood is filled with hope and anticipation. But for those navigating infertility, even well-intentioned words can sting. Vicky Levens, a 29-year-old from Belfast, learned this the hard way after her third miscarriage. The day following the loss, she returned to her job as a receptionist. However, her coworkers’ remarks left her feeling vulnerable. A female manager remarked, “At least you were early in your pregnancy,” while a male colleague criticized her appearance, suggesting she wasn’t “presentable enough” for the role.
“I was in shock,” Vicky says. “I wish people wouldn’t say that, because it hurts.”
Her emotional response was swift—she resigned on her next shift. Vicky isn’t the only one who has faced such remarks. Kay, 33, from Manchester, shared her experience during a segment on Woman’s Hour’s Guide to Life. “You’re met with really poor words from people,” Kay explained. While most comments aren’t meant to be cruel, they often come across as dismissive.
“Someone really close to me sat me down just before I started IVF and said, ‘a lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it,'”
According to the NHS, approximately one in seven couples face challenges in conceiving. In 2023 alone, over 50,000 patients in the UK underwent IVF cycles, where eggs are fertilized in a lab and embryos are transferred to the uterus. Despite the prevalence of the issue, discussions around fertility struggles can feel awkward. Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, who is on an NHS IVF waiting list, described her hesitation to share her situation with loved ones. “There’s a sense of embarrassment,” she said. “Because that is what your body’s meant to do, so you feel like you’re failing yourself.”
Asiya Dawood, 42, a British-Pakistani woman in West London, noted that in some South Asian communities, women are often subjected to harsh commentary. “You’re questioned about being womanly enough,” Asiya explained. Relatives may quickly attribute infertility to career focus or delaying marriage. As a result, she withdrew from social interactions, feeling overwhelmed by the constant remarks.
Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, emphasizes that support varies from person to person. “The people you confide in don’t necessarily need to be family or usual friends,” she said. Instead, those close to the IVF support team can provide the most relevant help. Prince also recommends utilizing counseling services at UK clinics, which are available to patients undergoing treatment.
Prof Joyce Harper, a reproductive science expert at University College London, highlighted the emotional toll of fertility treatments. “The process is a roller coaster,” she explained. “There are so many moments when it becomes really difficult, like when you get a period or have an embryo transfer.”
Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, offers a contrasting perspective. She found her friends and family to be “incredible” sources of support during her fertility journey. After experiencing miscarriages, people visited her, brought food and flowers, and gifted vouchers for a respite. Even small gestures, like texts acknowledging her feelings, made a difference. “Small signs of support also mean a lot,” Elena said.